Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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