i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
