dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Randomize
