i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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