Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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