Swine flu. Run for my life!
Fuck appropriateness.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
