TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
handjob tips. give me some.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
