There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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