Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
