it hurts more in the daytime
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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