its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!