Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
50% drunk capacity currently
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander