when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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