I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
