I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
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I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
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His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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