i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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