Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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