I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
