Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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