she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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