So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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