Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
