WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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