I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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