She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
