My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
