You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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