Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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