So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
