My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
