I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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