My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
