you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
