I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
