I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
