Just mADE A PArabola og urine
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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