Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
