I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
