He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I have already put on my inside pants.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
