you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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