You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
