I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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