I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
