he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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