Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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