I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
