dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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