you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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