**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
