Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
