I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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