wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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