so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
