We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
