i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
