Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
