We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
COCAINE IS GR8
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
