Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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