So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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