I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
