So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
