your thong is hanging out like whoa
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
